Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
How's work?
Spinning.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
My dad is sitting where you rode me
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
