I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
