oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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