either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
