Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Randomize
