Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
