my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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