The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize