life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
