Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
