we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
