I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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