I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
