I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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