and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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