we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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