we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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