My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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