In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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