Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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