turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
