Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
