Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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