just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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