If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
