This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
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I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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