im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Randomize
