i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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