I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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