She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
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Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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