god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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