Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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