I'd wear matching sweaters with you
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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