i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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