Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
