sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I just found a bag of teeth...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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