Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
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Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
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No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I think my moral compass just broke
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