I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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