The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
