No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
