I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
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well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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