Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
