Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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