don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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