Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
