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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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