I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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