Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
