He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She's the barista slut.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
