I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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