she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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