my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
