There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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