This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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