Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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